inner peace

Our desires change during the different stages in our lives. As a kid, i simply hoped for a toy as a gift or good grades in school. As a teen, i wished to be able to finish schooling and attain a college degree. I wanted to take up Fine Arts but ended up with a degree in Accounting. I guess not all hopes  are fulfilled but i’ve learned to love my course. After graduation, i wished for a nice job. Fortunately, i was hired in no time by an airline company thus my hope of being able to travel was realized. Luckily, I have traveled to some countries as i took advantage of being single at that time and the free airline tickets from my company.

In my mid-twenties, i hoped to meet the man of my dreams and start my own family. Well, just a half of this wish became a reality. He did not turn out to be the man of my dreams, our marriage failed but i was blessed with three wonderful children.

I struggled being a single mom as i need to provide the needs and the schooling of my children. Any support from the ex is impossible because he was jobless and it was one of the reasons of the break-up and why our relationship did not work out. My hope during that time is for me to be able to have the strength to keep going just for the sake of my children’s future. As company loans are slowly getting paid and finally no deductions from my salary anymore, i felt that life became quite comfortable. I became happier and felt prettier because i am doing good as a single mom.

Fast forward to today. I think my only HOPE now is  to make myself be free from the feeling of hatred and anger and to experience inner peace. I have endured a lot of psychological pain and sufferings during my second try to be in a relationship. Being cheated on is so painful that even if it happened a long time ago i was left with so many scars. Once in a while i still feel angry but hey, i am just being human.

On a brighter note, sharing with you a photo of Boots patiently watching me, waiting and hoping for some tuna treats.

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Aww… How could i ever say no to that cute face.

Happy cat, happy me.:)

weekly photo challenge: admiration

I grew up hating my father for being overly strict. He easily gets mad over small things and when anyone of us answered back to explain our sides we would get spanking as punishment. Among the three siblings, i am the most vocal. Even if i knew i would get more spanking for reasoning out i still would reason out especially if i knew in my heart i am right. That’s how hard-headed i am. I hated him for treating us like that, i hated him for spanking me and in one of those times caused a broken tooth when my mouth was hit by the rod, i hated him for not letting me go on school fieldtrips with my classmates with a reason that is not clear and i don’t understand, i hated him for not letting me attend parties during my teenager days, i hated him for not letting me attend the high school graduation ball, i hated him for that time when he hit my mother and the list goes on. Over my growing up years i just consider him an image.. that i have a someone that i would call as my father. I never really understood his way of rearing us. He is not the “sweet” type because i cannot remember any instance when he hugged any of us. He is just like his father who was also a strict disciplinarian who resorted to spanking instead of understanding kids’ behavior. But inspite of it all, i love my father. He worked hard for the family and even did two jobs during harder times. I think his definition of love is by being strict and overprotective.

The only time that all of us became free was when we all have our own separate lives to live away from our parents’ home. This year he is turning 85. His dementia is getting worst and worst every single day. He often asks about the time, the date and the day multiple times everyday. He lives his day bullying and bullying more my mother and tormenting her with verbal abuse. He gets angry over very minor things and after quite sometime forgets what happened. It is always like that day in day out… so angry now seconds later he is smiling and in a good mood. We don’t know and not sure about what’s really going on inside his head.

Since my youngest sister is based abroad and my brother has gone to heaven, i am the only one who attends to their needs or do errands for them. I drive and go with them to the supermarket or when they need to go shopping at the mall, or to buy medicines. It is so difficult caring for him because he always gets angry. I told my mother that because of his unpredictable moods, those supposed to be joyous family moments always turn sour and sad and we all feel frustrated and dissappointed because we don’t know what to do anymore.

I have been telling my mother if only we could let him visit a doctor. Maybe there is a prescription that stops the degeneration of my father’s brain cells. I want him to stop bullying and verbal abusing my mother. I want my mother to live the remaining of her life free from stress. The problem is my father doesn’t want to go to the doctor. Forcing him will only end up with more fights between him and my mother. We are all so frustrated.

Looking at my father now, he is just a shell of his being. He used to be an intelligent and good looking and the best industrial arts teacher. He draws very well and so talented in calligraphy. I think i got those talents from him. Today, he is just empty. He is not the same strong man that i knew. He is old and weak. He is not aware now of what he is doing and saying. He forgets our names. He doesn’t know the days of the week. He even forgets that he had already eaten his meal and then asks again for food stressing that he still hasn’t eaten. The list goes on.

Most of the times my mother would just cry in one corner. She always calls me for comfort just to take off from her chest those frustrations and anger. I pity my old lady. I know how tiring it is to care for my father who has dementia. She doesn’t deserve to live a life in misery. At 83 years she should be living a good life and just be happy for the remainder of her life. We hired a helper to do the usual house chores for them but my father highly disapproved and the poor helper was thrown out of the house and was refused entry. So frustrating really! There came a time when we came to our turning point and that my sister and i had welcomed the idea to look for a good nursing home for my father just to free our mother from the daily bullying, verbal abuse and misery. But still my mother’s love for my father prevailed. Nursing home for him is not in her option.

Cliche as it may sound but i really have a strong ADMIRATION for my mother. Inspite of all the verbal abuses, threats, bullying, physical pain, emotional pain and frustrations that she gets from the old man she still cares and dedicates herself for him. I often told my mother that i don’t think i could do even an ounce of all the sacrifices she is doing now. Physically she maybe weak but behind the frailness of her body, my mother is a very strong woman.

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photo of my mother at 22yrs young

travel theme: poetry

I am not really good in writing poems. I have made a few but creating one depends on my mood. When i’ve learned that this week’s travel theme is all about POETRY, i tried composing one last night and surprisingly, the words just kept flowing even if i need to think about words that start with a specific letter.

My SWEETPAINTEDDREAMS

Somewhere in my mind
Whispering
Echoing
Enchanting
Tasseled
Perfumed by spring
Accented by magical hues
Inspiring
Never stopping
They glide
Empowered by wings
Dashing display of thoughts
Daintily covered by lace
Radiating its colored images
Enduring all
And yet still be tranquil
My rainbow, my hopes
Sweetpainteddreams

In our lives we stumble and we fall but dreams are there to guide us through. We face a lot of challenges, sometimes feel pain and sufferings but for as long as we are living there is hope. There is hope that we could find happiness and that there is sunshine after the rain. I believe in my sweet painted dreams.

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Ashton so sound asleep, dreaming of sweetpaintedtreats

cat purrday friday post: choc stars

Hello dear friends, Star here.

During one of mom’s trips at the supermarket, she found these chocolate bars. I know, i know that chocolates are bad for me but mom couldn’t keep her excitement and instantly took a photo.

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My favorites are the second and the last one because well… because they are cat celebrities just like me.

Can you name all of them?

Happy Weekend:)

Sweet hugs and purr,
kittycat Star

luxury of being alone

I am happy being single again… well, still not legally single but SINGLE. I must admit that i used to be afraid about the consequences of being separated and being alone. With a little savings, i was thinking more on how i would survive. But hey, i’ve come to realize that i need not be afraid. It’s not the end of the world but rather a renewal. I think being alone is the happiest thing that ever happened to me because it freed me from stress, emotional trauma and pain. I don’t need a cheater and a liar. It is better be alone than be with someone who don’t value me as a person and not be respected. For me, cheating or having an affair is the utmost betrayal. I felt so insulted and disrespected. Anyway, as i’ve mentioned in one of my previous posts, i have moved on. I am enjoying my alone time.

After my chores are done my room is my private sanctuary. It is where i recharge and connect to my inner self. Some little belly rubs to my cat and hugs to my doggie instantly provide calmness and relaxation. And as i lull myself to sleep, thinking about future plans and dreams give me hope. It makes me happy.

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Good thoughts, relaxing moments, furry sleepbuddies equals a good night sleep:) Comfort in my solitude.

This is my entry for today’s daily prompt: SOLITUDE by Daily Post.

extremely dazzling

There’s no better way to describe Star’s eyes but DAZZLING … extremely dazzling.

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I got Star from a breeder. Yes i know, i am guilty of pet shopping. It is because of my dream of having an all white long-haired oddeyed cat. Dream fulfilled, i then visited a shelter so i could adopt a playmate for her. I wanted to do my part to open my home to a rescued cat and i went home with Tiger, a neutered domestic short hair ginger local cat.  Just a short background about Tiger… he is one of the 7 litter of kitties in a sack dumped at the shelter.

I thought i would only have 2 cats. Oh how wrong i was. My family of cats expanded as i took in more rescues and even a foster. I also have a family of outside cats that i regularly feed and take care of.

Yesterday, i heard a pitiful cry of a kitten. I knew that it belonged to a neighbor who has been feeding the mama cat. Good thing that when i woke up this morning i am not hearing any kitty crying. It always breaks my heart whenever i see helpless kitties. If only i have the means, money and the time i would scoop up all the strays in the neighborhood for spaying and neutering. Sadly, spaying and neutering is not the popular option and it seems like nobody cares. My son told me the other day that i am the only person that he knew in the neighborhood who has outside cats that are spayed. But of course i wouldn’t want my 6 outside cats to multiply as it takes time, effort and money to feed and care for them.

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I used to have 8 outside cats, one became an indoor cat and the other one hasn’t come home for about 3 months now. He always comes home during feeding time and sometimes he even stays longer as i see him taking a nap at the terrace. I still think about that cat all the time. But during one visit to the vet it made me realized that he wouldn’t be coming home ever because the vet told me that he is having a hard time convincing the homeowners association to have a TNR in their village which is just adjacent to ours. What the association did was they hauled all the strays and brought them to the pound. I remembered my one outside cat who hasn’t come home and maybe he was one of those that has been caught. He always comes home and never been absent every feeding time. The chances of seeing him again is dim. I know that strays brought at the pound will not have a chance on life. I still miss that sweet cat that i named Linggit.