my forever

I have a complicated love life. Married twice and both ended in failures.

When i got married the first time, i never thought it will end. We had so many dreams and so many plans and a lot of promises but things did not turn out the way it is supposed to be. Things happen like major disagreements, problems in finances, immaturity, incompatibility and the relationship ended.

Again, I wasn’t lucky the second time around in searching for that chance to be happy again. I thought that maybe this time it would last forever. How wrong i was.. there’s no FOREVER. The relationship collapsed because of lies, deception, cheating and empty promises. The act of cheating and lying are definitely not mistakes because they are intentional and that’s why it was so hurting. I found it really hard to move past the hurt when TRUST was broken so there was no use for me to be in that kind of relationship anymore. The more i stay in the relationship, the more it was hurting me so getting out of that is the best decision ever … i’ve  felt that URGENT need to escape so i could maintain my sanity otherwise i would really go crazy dealing with too much anger. Oh well, enough of these dramas.

Let’s kick the blues away by starting the day with a smile and be happy.

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And one of my sources of happiness are… There’s Star, Tiger, Boots, Kuting, Ashton and my new foster Puti that bring so much smile and happiness. There’s Marwind, Kristina, Rafraf and Tobi that make me laugh when they are acting like goof balls. (Visit my About page to see their photos).

Among my kitties, these two are really BFFs. They groom each other, sleep together and play together. I love them forever.

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everything heals

As i contemplate on what my life has become, i wondered if all the things that happened are a form of PUNISHMENT. Maybe i was bad in my previous life or just plain unlucky in love. My first marriage ended in failure. I became a single mom and i tried with all my might to provide my kids their needs. Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night just crying because i just felt so tired… physically and mentally tired. It is no joke caring for three kids all your own. But i triumphed. Although my life was not that good i did a good job.

Years later, i remarried and i thought everything would be even better. Or so i thought. Because after fifteen years, it would end… it was a failure because of his cheating. I had to deal with a lot of challenges again and struggle with all the emotional trauma and regrets. Yes, there are a lot of regrets. All those years wasted because of his stupid mistake. I couldn’t bring back those precious time but i believe that everything heals.

Everything heals. Your body heals. Your heart heals. The mind heals. Wounds heal. Your soul repairs itself. Your happiness is always going to come back. Bad times don’t last. – LessonsLearnedInLife.

I know that it isn’t easy to achieve happiness but past relationships should not ruin future happiness. I know it is easily said than done but it would be really unfair to myself if i would not give it a try … one day at a time.

Don’t let past relationships ruin your future happiness. Scars remind us of where we’ve been not where we are going. – Unknown – TinyBuddha.com

Oh well, inspite of all the drama, i am feeling grateful about a lot of things. I am grateful for flowers around us as they help in calming the mind and the body.

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I am grateful for a little bit of cooking knowledge because i find it relaxing and at the same time fulfilling and all the food i have created and recipes invented are the CHERRY ON TOP.

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I am grateful for my wonderful cats because they always make me smile. Here’s a video of my rescued cats Ashton and Kuting grooming each other. Please enjoy!

Flower, food and cats equals happiness.

my journey out of the storm

I have been feeling a little bit unpleasant these past few days. Well, not because of the gloomy weather but it is because of some bumps i encounter during my long JOURNEY out of the “STORM“. As i’ve shared in one of my previous blog posts, i am in the process of moving on. As far as my feelings are concerned, i am okay, i’ve moved on. Love is long gone and there is no way for it to come back. Trust and respect are major factors in a relationship and if they’re gone, love is gone too. But sometimes, my journey is not going smooth as i want it to be. How would you feel if someone wanted you to spit out all the “candies” you have eaten and count them one by one. They are just material things. All the material things i received and enjoyed during the course of the relationship are not enough to ease away all the pain and the emotional trauma i have experienced.

Anyway, enough of the drama.

These lovely pink roses surely help to brighten up my day…

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Note to self:
I am a strong person and that no amount of negativity could shatter my journey towards happiness.

inner peace

Our desires change during the different stages in our lives. As a kid, i simply hoped for a toy as a gift or good grades in school. As a teen, i wished to be able to finish schooling and attain a college degree. I wanted to take up Fine Arts but ended up with a degree in Accounting. I guess not all hopes  are fulfilled but i’ve learned to love my course. After graduation, i wished for a nice job. Fortunately, i was hired in no time by an airline company thus my hope of being able to travel was realized. Luckily, I have traveled to some countries as i took advantage of being single at that time and the free airline tickets from my company.

In my mid-twenties, i hoped to meet the man of my dreams and start my own family. Well, just a half of this wish became a reality. He did not turn out to be the man of my dreams, our marriage failed but i was blessed with three wonderful children.

I struggled being a single mom as i need to provide the needs and the schooling of my children. Any support from the ex is impossible because he was jobless and it was one of the reasons of the break-up and why our relationship did not work out. My hope during that time is for me to be able to have the strength to keep going just for the sake of my children’s future. As company loans are slowly getting paid and finally no deductions from my salary anymore, i felt that life became quite comfortable. I became happier and felt prettier because i am doing good as a single mom.

Fast forward to today. I think my only HOPE now is  to make myself be free from the feeling of hatred and anger and to experience inner peace. I have endured a lot of psychological pain and sufferings during my second try to be in a relationship. Being cheated on is so painful that even if it happened a long time ago i was left with so many scars. Once in a while i still feel angry but hey, i am just being human.

On a brighter note, sharing with you a photo of Boots patiently watching me, waiting and hoping for some tuna treats.

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Aww… How could i ever say no to that cute face.

Happy cat, happy me. 🙂

weekly photo challenge: admiration

I grew up hating my father for being overly strict. He easily gets mad over small things and when anyone of us answered back to explain our sides we would get spanking as punishment. Among the three siblings, i am the most vocal. Even if i knew i would get more spanking for reasoning out i still would reason out especially if i knew in my heart i am right. That’s how hard-headed i am. I hated him for treating us like that, i hated him for spanking me and in one of those times caused a broken tooth when my mouth was hit by the rod, i hated him for not letting me go on school fieldtrips with my classmates with a reason that is not clear and i don’t understand, i hated him for not letting me attend parties during my teenager days, i hated him for not letting me attend the high school graduation ball, i hated him for that time when he hit my mother and the list goes on. Over my growing up years i just consider him an image.. that i have a someone that i would call as my father. I never really understood his way of rearing us. He is not the “sweet” type because i cannot remember any instance when he hugged any of us. He is just like his father who was also a strict disciplinarian who resorted to spanking instead of understanding kids’ behavior. But inspite of it all, i love my father. He worked hard for the family and even did two jobs during harder times. I think his definition of love is by being strict and overprotective.

The only time that all of us became free was when we all have our own separate lives to live away from our parents’ home. This year he is turning 85. His dementia is getting worst and worst every single day. He often asks about the time, the date and the day multiple times everyday. He lives his day bullying and bullying more my mother and tormenting her with verbal abuse. He gets angry over very minor things and after quite sometime forgets what happened. It is always like that day in day out… so angry now seconds later he is smiling and in a good mood. We don’t know and not sure about what’s really going on inside his head.

Since my youngest sister is based abroad and my brother has gone to heaven, i am the only one who attends to their needs or do errands for them. I drive and go with them to the supermarket or when they need to go shopping at the mall, or to buy medicines. It is so difficult caring for him because he always gets angry. I told my mother that because of his unpredictable moods, those supposed to be joyous family moments always turn sour and sad and we all feel frustrated and dissappointed because we don’t know what to do anymore.

I have been telling my mother if only we could let him visit a doctor. Maybe there is a prescription that stops the degeneration of my father’s brain cells. I want him to stop bullying and verbal abusing my mother. I want my mother to live the remaining of her life free from stress. The problem is my father doesn’t want to go to the doctor. Forcing him will only end up with more fights between him and my mother. We are all so frustrated.

Looking at my father now, he is just a shell of his being. He used to be an intelligent and good looking and the best industrial arts teacher. He draws very well and so talented in calligraphy. I think i got those talents from him. Today, he is just empty. He is not the same strong man that i knew. He is old and weak. He is not aware now of what he is doing and saying. He forgets our names. He doesn’t know the days of the week. He even forgets that he had already eaten his meal and then asks again for food stressing that he still hasn’t eaten. The list goes on.

Most of the times my mother would just cry in one corner. She always calls me for comfort just to take off from her chest those frustrations and anger. I pity my old lady. I know how tiring it is to care for my father who has dementia. She doesn’t deserve to live a life in misery. At 83 years she should be living a good life and just be happy for the remainder of her life. We hired a helper to do the usual house chores for them but my father highly disapproved and the poor helper was thrown out of the house and was refused entry. So frustrating really! There came a time when we came to our turning point and that my sister and i had welcomed the idea to look for a good nursing home for my father just to free our mother from the daily bullying, verbal abuse and misery. But still my mother’s love for my father prevailed. Nursing home for him is not in her option.

Cliche as it may sound but i really have a strong ADMIRATION for my mother. Inspite of all the verbal abuses, threats, bullying, physical pain, emotional pain and frustrations that she gets from the old man she still cares and dedicates herself for him. I often told my mother that i don’t think i could do even an ounce of all the sacrifices she is doing now. Physically she maybe weak but behind the frailness of her body, my mother is a very strong woman.

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photo of my mother at 22yrs young

luxury of being alone

I am happy being single again… well, still not legally single but SINGLE. I must admit that i used to be afraid about the consequences of being separated and being alone. With a little savings, i was thinking more on how i would survive. But hey, i’ve come to realize that i need not be afraid. It’s not the end of the world but rather a renewal. I think being alone is the happiest thing that ever happened to me because it freed me from stress, emotional trauma and pain. I don’t need a cheater and a liar. It is better be alone than be with someone who don’t value me as a person and not be respected. For me, cheating or having an affair is the utmost betrayal. I felt so insulted and disrespected. Anyway, as i’ve mentioned in one of my previous posts, i have moved on. I am enjoying my alone time.

After my chores are done my room is my private sanctuary. It is where i recharge and connect to my inner self. Some little belly rubs to my cat and hugs to my doggie instantly provide calmness and relaxation. And as i lull myself to sleep, thinking about future plans and dreams give me hope. It makes me happy.

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Good thoughts, relaxing moments, furry sleepbuddies equals a good night sleep 🙂 Comfort in my solitude.

This is my entry for today’s daily prompt: SOLITUDE by Daily Post.

i’m bacccckkkk!!!!

Wow! It has been almost two years since my last post. A lot of things have happened. I have way too much fur babies now… new rescued kitties and doggies too. I will be updating my About page soon.

Hello friends 🙂 I hope everyone is doing well and i will try to read your posts in the days to come.

Well, a lot has happened in my personal life. I have learned that i was being cheated on. Yes, that’s right. I just couldn’t believe that the person whom i know who will respect, protect and care for me is the same person who would give me miseries and pain. My life changed overnight. I just can’t forgive and forget because of the emotional trauma that it caused me. It was a struggle dealing with it… a long and agonizing journey. Being cheated on is the most painful and ultimate betrayal in a relationship. I became bitter and angry at the same time.

Fast forward to TODAY. I have moved on and it is the best decision i have ever made. It was a long process but I have dealt with the pain. I just woke up one day and realized that i am happier being single again. Being alone is better than being with someone who don’t value me. I left my past in the past. I don’t want to carry the emotional burden which will only pull me down and prevent me from being happy and affect my future. I deserved to be happy and i want to be happy.

Okay, enough of the drama. For good vibes, here’s a photo of STAR, my lovely princess and is looking gorgeous as ever.

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Star makes me smile as always. 🙂

weekly travel theme: international women’s day

“This week’s travel theme is wide open for however you want to celebrate the woman or women in your life, or all women in general.”  Ailsa of wheresmybackpack.

This post is in honor of the two greatest women in my life.

My mother:

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my mother

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my mother

Today, even if my mother is old and gray now she’s still a big influence not only to us her children but to her grandchildren as well. She always tells her grandchildren the value of respect, love and kindness so they could all grow up to be better persons.

For her strength and guidance, i am giving her a bunch of green, purple and blue tulips. Green is the symbol of health and youth. Purple is for dignity and pride which represent achievement. Blue is for calmness and peace. I wish her good health, i admire her achievement for guiding us through our adulthood, and of course i want her to have peace of mind that we, all her children and grandchildren are all doing good.

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My sister:

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my sister

Isn’t she cute in the picture? I remember when it was taken because she’s the youngest and i’m the eldest among siblings. She was munching on an apple and even her cheeks have some apple bits. Anyway, my sister is my best friend. Of all the people in the world, she’s the one who really know me to bits. She always has an open mind and heart whenever i talk to her especially if dealing with some problems. She’s always been a great help whenever i needed help. I just adore her.

For her loving and caring qualities, i am giving her pink carnations. Pink carnations represent motherly or sisterly love. I want her to know that i love her so much and i miss her because she’s now based in Dubai.

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