silent healing

We all experience emotional struggles and each of us has our own way on how to deal with it.

In my process of self-healing, i usually write quotes that i could relate to based on what i have experienced and what i am trying to heal from. It is not easy getting over pain, heartbreak and hurt and betrayal. Inspirational quotes motivate and inspire me to go on. They uplift my mood, encourage me to be positive and make me feel hopeful and happy.

And what else could make me happy? These cuties.

Star

Akiro

I just hug these fur babes and i would feel okay. Cat’s purr is believed to have therapeutic effects on human as it is both relaxing and healing. Cats spread a lot of positive energy too which is exactly what i need.

The Daily Post Weekly Photo Challenge: SILENCE

lucky charm

My niece arrived home from Japan and she sent me these goodies. She actually asked me what i wanted and i said Maneki Neko. It is believed that it is best and luckier if it is to be given by someone. Well, i got what i wanted with some bonus goodies.

Maneki Neko is a Japanese cat figurine that is believed to bring good luck. Right paw up attracts money and success. Left paw up attracts customers which is good for businesses. Luckily, i think i have both as the middle kitty in my maneki neko has its right paw up.

My figurine is white and it is for happiness. Black ones are for protection, red for love , gold is for wealth, green for good health and calico or tri-coloreds are for extreme luck. I am glad i received a white one as my ultra wish is to be genuinely happy as it’s so difficult to put on a smile if deep inside the heart there are worries, pain and sadness. I need all the lucky charms in the world.

Lucky charm or not, i believe that to really achieve my dream of being happy i should start with the way i see things and find something good in everything. I should have a mindset of being positive and not be affected easily if sometimes things would not turn out the way i want it and just think of how to make it better. I should avoid overthinking as i know it would just get me nowhere. I should always start the day with a smile. And more than anything else, i should be grateful for all the good things that happened and try to bury the past, all the heartaches and pain because at the end of the day it is only me that could create my own happiness.

The Daily Post Daily Prompt: CARVE

in retrospect

It is going to be 2018 very soon…

2017 is generally a good year but sometimes a bit of challenges and problems pop up along the way. There are happy and festive memories with some sad ones too but life goes on… just pick up the pieces and enjoy, be thankful, be merry and do good deeds.

JANUARY. The year started wonderfully. Family reunions and celebrations were the best part of this month.

FEBRUARY. So lucky enough not to be celebrating valentine’s day alone. My youngest son was my valentine’s date. We had a nice dinner and just enjoyed each others company. We talked about his wish of finding a job and capped our date with watching valentine’s day fireworks display.

valentine’s day fireworks display

MARCH. My daughter’s birth month and my niece’s wedding. All my family stayed in a resort as we waited for the big day. It was so memorable as it was the first wedding in my family. It was also my first time to walk down the aisle wearing a lovely beaded lace gown as one of the principal sponsors. The event was so magical.

 

APRIL. Welcome home Toyota Wigo. I helped my eldest son of finally having his own car. Also, my youngest son’s dream of having a job finally came true and we are all so delighted about the good news.

MAY. I really have no plans of adding more cats in my household but i just couldn’t turn away a fur baby in need. Goldie is a rescued black cat and he became my number 7. He received all the medications he needed, was neutered and i welcomed him to my home.

BEFORE

GOLDIE NOW

JUNE. My nephew’s birth month. I really looked forward to birthdays as it’s that time when we have a sort of mini family reunion. I cherish every moment i spend with all my family.

JULY. My mother’s birth month. So much to be thankful as my mother celebrated her 84th birthday.

AUGUST. My late brother’s birth month. I still miss my brother. He was gone too soon.

SEPTEMBER. My youngest son’s birth month. My sister arrived from abroad. My african love bird Lemon crossed the bridge. I experienced so many emotions this month. Happy as we celebrated my son’s birthday, excited that i finally hugged my sister when she arrived home for a short vacation and sad when my bird Lemon crossed the bridge because of old age.

OCTOBER. My eldest son and my sister is sharing the same birth month. I am happy that my eldest son has a steady job working as a chef in one of the popular comfort food restaurants. Since my sister is working abroad, greeting her via a phone call is the best thing.

NOVEMBER. My birth month. I renewed my driver’s license but sadly the plastic card might be released by early next year because of back log in processing. How frustrating! I must CONFESS that i became so emotionally weak during this month. I’m only human and sometimes i also get to experience being at the lowest part of my roller coaster ride. It was triggered by a post i’ve seen on social media wherein “they” looked so happy as a couple and as i looked at myself, all i see is just me… i am alone. Life is so unfair. Well, after a heart to heart talk with my sister i became okay. Sometimes, all a person needs is a good cry to pour out all the heartaches and release all the emotional burden… and afterwards heavy loads inside the heart simply feel lighter. As they say, life goes on…

DECEMBER. Happy month. Finally renewed my passport for my travel plans next year to visit my sister in Dubai. Yey! The most fun of it all is celebrating Christmas Day with the family. The best part is i welcomed a new fur baby AKIRO. Here’s her first selfie with me… Isn’t she cute. I love this teeny weeny bundle of joy.

first selfie with akiro

As i begin to welcome the new year 2018, i would try to do better, be happy, start on a positive note, rid of all the negativities, begin a new chapter, start afresh with new set of dreams. To myself, to my dream.

Looking forward to a happier 2018.

little emotional appeal

I am obsessed with journals and i have a wide collection of them. These are the newest addition.

I love the quotes written on their cover.

Beige Journal:

LITTLE EMOTIONAL APPEAL
every day
has a little surprise
every day
is unique and different

Purple journal:

The best way to predict the future
is to invent it.

Pink Journal:

Appreciate the beauty of the world
beautiful scenery can be seen on the road.

Among the three, my favorite is the pink one. It has lovely multi-colored butterfly prints adorning its layered pages. It’s so cute and unique isn’t it?

These days, i am filling out the blank pages of my orange journal. I adore the little pineapple trinket dangling on its page marker. At the end of the day when everything is relaxed, i often write my feelings and how my day was. I write to express my emotion. My orange journal is a wonderful listener. It is always open for my thoughts. It has become the WINDOWS to my soul as it knows my deep down emotions.

Hello October. Looking forward to more exciting things ahead. I know that challenges will come along the way but life goes on… i will just be bringing out all the goodness in every single day.

all about love

This will be our first Christmas without my father and our second without my brother. I will be honest, when my brother passed, i literally cried buckets of tears. Whenever i think of him or see photos of him i cry. These days i still get teary eyed whenever i think of him. I really miss him so much and forever i will. But, i don’t know and i’m not sure why i did not feel the same way when my father died. Yes, i miss him… we all do but it seemed like all of us had already accepted about his passing. Maybe our sense of relief just outweighed our sense of loneliness and grieving. Now that he’s gone, it seemed like a renewal. My parent’s house is having a big renovation, all the clutter that my father has been holding on has been disposed and most importantly i noticed a tremendous change in my mother’s aura. She has been smiling a lot, stress is gone because nobody is bullying her anymore and i truly believe she is happy. Of course she misses my father but she recovers quickly.

The holiday season would not be complete without the family, love, food and laughter. Gifts come second and it is not as important to me now than when i was younger. But for the kids, they are really looking forward to it especially those coming from my sister who works abroad. As always she would be home for Christmas and be the jolly Santa Claus of the family.

I know it’s a cliche but Christmas is all about love and happy reunions.

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Sending lots of cheers… Happy Weekend.

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“I sitz here while i wait for Christmas… hey Mom, how many days til Christmas? Will you buy me lots of treats as Christmas presents?”

my forever

I have a complicated love life. Married twice and both ended in failures.

When i got married the first time, i never thought it will end. We had so many dreams and so many plans and a lot of promises but things did not turn out the way it is supposed to be. Things happen like major disagreements, problems in finances, immaturity, incompatibility and the relationship ended.

Again, I wasn’t lucky the second time around in searching for that chance to be happy again. I thought that maybe this time it would last forever. How wrong i was.. there’s no FOREVER. The relationship collapsed because of lies, deception, cheating and empty promises. The act of cheating and lying are definitely not mistakes because they are intentional and that’s why it was so hurting. I found it really hard to move past the hurt when TRUST was broken so there was no use for me to be in that kind of relationship anymore. The more i stay in the relationship, the more it was hurting me so getting out of that is the best decision ever … i’ve  felt that URGENT need to escape so i could maintain my sanity otherwise i would really go crazy dealing with too much anger. Oh well, enough of these dramas.

Let’s kick the blues away by starting the day with a smile and be happy.

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And one of my sources of happiness are… There’s Star, Tiger, Boots, Kuting, Ashton and my new foster Puti that bring so much smile and happiness. There’s Marwind, Kristina, Rafraf and Tobi that make me laugh when they are acting like goof balls. (Visit my About page to see their photos).

Among my kitties, these two are really BFFs. They groom each other, sleep together and play together. I love them forever.

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hello again, it’s been a while

I took a moment of hiatus again… it is because of some personal reasons. I have been sharing how my family has been coping with regard to my father’s Alzheimer’s disease. We have been feeling so frustrated as we know that this disease can’t and won’t reverse over time… The QUEST for finding the right attitude in facing our difficulties and challenges as to how to deal with my father has been really exhausting. Two weeks ago, my father’s battle is over. He died peacefully in his sleep. He was tired.

These days, my parents’ house is undergoing some renovations after the cleaning up. All the stuff he had collected over the years that he valued so much (even if most of them are worthless) were finally cleared. It took about 30 minutes for the garbage men to haul all those stuff in the garbage truck.

My father was the kind of a man who really didn’t want someone to touch his things or the house if it needed some fixing. His attitude was further exaggerated because of his illness. My parents lived with light switches that don’t work, screens on windows that are torn, screen doors that don’t close fully as they were sagging, roofs that leaked, doors that don’t close because of broken frames.. stuff even those that are needed to be thrown out are piled up, etc… All of these made my parents house looked so lonely, dim, messy and dirty. My sister and i tried everything to get everything in order and to fix all those that needed fixing but to no avail. My father just don’t want other people in the house. If we called for a handy man, he will get angry and order him to get out. So, for the longest time all of us just do some of the fixing ourselves but most really needed professional help.

Clearing up the house made a big difference. The house is clean, everything is tidied up, all switches are now working, every light bulbs are replaced… it instantly looks like a happy house, bright and airy and the way it is supposed to be. How i wish my father had experienced this.

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everything heals

As i contemplate on what my life has become, i wondered if all the things that happened are a form of PUNISHMENT. Maybe i was bad in my previous life or just plain unlucky in love. My first marriage ended in failure. I became a single mom and i tried with all my might to provide my kids their needs. Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night just crying because i just felt so tired… physically and mentally tired. It is no joke caring for three kids all your own. But i triumphed. Although my life was not that good i did a good job.

Years later, i remarried and i thought everything would be even better. Or so i thought. Because after fifteen years, it would end… it was a failure because of his cheating. I had to deal with a lot of challenges again and struggle with all the emotional trauma and regrets. Yes, there are a lot of regrets. All those years wasted because of his stupid mistake. I couldn’t bring back those precious time but i believe that everything heals.

Everything heals. Your body heals. Your heart heals. The mind heals. Wounds heal. Your soul repairs itself. Your happiness is always going to come back. Bad times don’t last. – LessonsLearnedInLife.

I know that it isn’t easy to achieve happiness but past relationships should not ruin future happiness. I know it is easily said than done but it would be really unfair to myself if i would not give it a try … one day at a time.

Don’t let past relationships ruin your future happiness. Scars remind us of where we’ve been not where we are going. – Unknown – TinyBuddha.com

Oh well, inspite of all the drama, i am feeling grateful about a lot of things. I am grateful for flowers around us as they help in calming the mind and the body.

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I am grateful for a little bit of cooking knowledge because i find it relaxing and at the same time fulfilling and all the food i have created and recipes invented are the CHERRY ON TOP.

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I am grateful for my wonderful cats because they always make me smile. Here’s a video of my rescued cats Ashton and Kuting grooming each other. Please enjoy!

Flower, food and cats equals happiness.

my journey out of the storm

I have been feeling a little bit unpleasant these past few days. Well, not because of the gloomy weather but it is because of some bumps i encounter during my long JOURNEY out of the “STORM“. As i’ve shared in one of my previous blog posts, i am in the process of moving on. As far as my feelings are concerned, i am okay, i’ve moved on. Love is long gone and there is no way for it to come back. Trust and respect are major factors in a relationship and if they’re gone, love is gone too. But sometimes, my journey is not going smooth as i want it to be. How would you feel if someone wanted you to spit out all the “candies” you have eaten and count them one by one. They are just material things. All the material things i received and enjoyed during the course of the relationship are not enough to ease away all the pain and the emotional trauma i have experienced.

Anyway, enough of the drama.

These lovely pink roses surely help to brighten up my day…

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Note to self:
I am a strong person and that no amount of negativity could shatter my journey towards happiness.

weekly photo challenge: admiration

I grew up hating my father for being overly strict. He easily gets mad over small things and when anyone of us answered back to explain our sides we would get spanking as punishment. Among the three siblings, i am the most vocal. Even if i knew i would get more spanking for reasoning out i still would reason out especially if i knew in my heart i am right. That’s how hard-headed i am. I hated him for treating us like that, i hated him for spanking me and in one of those times caused a broken tooth when my mouth was hit by the rod, i hated him for not letting me go on school fieldtrips with my classmates with a reason that is not clear and i don’t understand, i hated him for not letting me attend parties during my teenager days, i hated him for not letting me attend the high school graduation ball, i hated him for that time when he hit my mother and the list goes on. Over my growing up years i just consider him an image.. that i have a someone that i would call as my father. I never really understood his way of rearing us. He is not the “sweet” type because i cannot remember any instance when he hugged any of us. He is just like his father who was also a strict disciplinarian who resorted to spanking instead of understanding kids’ behavior. But inspite of it all, i love my father. He worked hard for the family and even did two jobs during harder times. I think his definition of love is by being strict and overprotective.

The only time that all of us became free was when we all have our own separate lives to live away from our parents’ home. This year he is turning 85. His dementia is getting worst and worst every single day. He often asks about the time, the date and the day multiple times everyday. He lives his day bullying and bullying more my mother and tormenting her with verbal abuse. He gets angry over very minor things and after quite sometime forgets what happened. It is always like that day in day out… so angry now seconds later he is smiling and in a good mood. We don’t know and not sure about what’s really going on inside his head.

Since my youngest sister is based abroad and my brother has gone to heaven, i am the only one who attends to their needs or do errands for them. I drive and go with them to the supermarket or when they need to go shopping at the mall, or to buy medicines. It is so difficult caring for him because he always gets angry. I told my mother that because of his unpredictable moods, those supposed to be joyous family moments always turn sour and sad and we all feel frustrated and dissappointed because we don’t know what to do anymore.

I have been telling my mother if only we could let him visit a doctor. Maybe there is a prescription that stops the degeneration of my father’s brain cells. I want him to stop bullying and verbal abusing my mother. I want my mother to live the remaining of her life free from stress. The problem is my father doesn’t want to go to the doctor. Forcing him will only end up with more fights between him and my mother. We are all so frustrated.

Looking at my father now, he is just a shell of his being. He used to be an intelligent and good looking and the best industrial arts teacher. He draws very well and so talented in calligraphy. I think i got those talents from him. Today, he is just empty. He is not the same strong man that i knew. He is old and weak. He is not aware now of what he is doing and saying. He forgets our names. He doesn’t know the days of the week. He even forgets that he had already eaten his meal and then asks again for food stressing that he still hasn’t eaten. The list goes on.

Most of the times my mother would just cry in one corner. She always calls me for comfort just to take off from her chest those frustrations and anger. I pity my old lady. I know how tiring it is to care for my father who has dementia. She doesn’t deserve to live a life in misery. At 83 years she should be living a good life and just be happy for the remainder of her life. We hired a helper to do the usual house chores for them but my father highly disapproved and the poor helper was thrown out of the house and was refused entry. So frustrating really! There came a time when we came to our turning point and that my sister and i had welcomed the idea to look for a good nursing home for my father just to free our mother from the daily bullying, verbal abuse and misery. But still my mother’s love for my father prevailed. Nursing home for him is not in her option.

Cliche as it may sound but i really have a strong ADMIRATION for my mother. Inspite of all the verbal abuses, threats, bullying, physical pain, emotional pain and frustrations that she gets from the old man she still cares and dedicates herself for him. I often told my mother that i don’t think i could do even an ounce of all the sacrifices she is doing now. Physically she maybe weak but behind the frailness of her body, my mother is a very strong woman.

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photo of my mother at 22yrs young